A Nation of No Losers

We do not let you be a loser!
Your mistakes will be rewarded handsomely.

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When you bought a mansion that you cannot afford, we bail you out.

When your beach-front house was destroyed by hurricane, we give you money to build one (and the next one too).
When you bought a clunker that you should not have, we give you $4,500.
When you bought any inefficient appliance, we pay you no matter how old they are.
When you returned an old gun, we give you money for a better, updated gun so you can kill more.
When you lost your job, we extended your benefits.
When you cannot pay your college loan, we will give you amnesty.
When you ran out of money for Christmas gifts, we give you 2% payroll tax reduction.

When you do not have saving or a real job, we give you free health care.
When you have saving or a real job, we take your free health care away.
When you die penniless, we help you out.
When you die with millions, we share your wealth.

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Drunk drivers, no one will prosecute you as the entire jury and even the judge are drunk.

Druggies, as long as you do not inhale, you’re still a no-loser – we even elect you for our top job.

Murderers, as long as  you provide money to a good lawyer, you will be free.

Baby killers, we give you a movie / book deal to give you incentive to kill your next baby.

Old folks, your driver's license is also a license to kill.

Rapists, you’re in good company of our politicians, coaches and clergymen who rape and cheat as a glorious sport.

Altar boys, you could be the top 1%. Some real losers want to know which churches you went to.

Minority kids, we give you special pass to go to college and jobs.

Teenagers, the more babies you have, the more benefits you have. Keep them coming.

Grade F students, it is your teachers’ fault to give you too much homework; you should spend your time in something more stimulating, such as video games.

Fatsos do not worry. Our up-coming drugs will melt all your fat while you eat.
At the mean time, we double all seat sizes in buses, airplanes..., triple the size of the value meals and replace the slim actors with fatsos to make you look like a no-loser.

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Congressmen, insider trading was legal to your privileged club. Sorry to close this loophole but you can keep the loot publicly.
Lobbyists, help us to put tariff on Chinese products that we cannot compete with.
Prisoners, you will get the flu shots first and free dental care. If your local jails are full, we beg you to leave with free transportation and goodies.

Gun control, what’s that?

When you cheated billion, you can retire in a resort-like 'prison'.
Also, the billions your wife hid are hers - no questions asked.

When your company fails, we bail it out.
The executives are rewarded with bailout money for bringing down a company.
When your company is failing, we give you half a billion – what a country!!!


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All athletes are rewarded with millions for taking drugs.
We’re outrageous on foreign athletes doing the same.
It is an American invention and how dare you copy it without paying us royalty!

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We have to lay off our scientists due to lack of funds.

We have funds to bomb Syria, so the terrorist regime can take over Syria.

When our friend Korea and Japan fight against each other, we will side with both of you.

We sell jets to Korea and Japan will want them too. A win-win situation for us.

A friend of a no loser is a no loser.

An enemy of a no loser is a no loser too.

Need to hire back some scientists to think of an acceptable reason.

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The small catch.
We need your vote to re-elect us every four years.

The children cannot vote today, so let's pass our debts to them.
China does not have a voice here, so let's pass all the blame to them.

Even the entire world agrees with us.
Our President was awarded the Nobel Prize for doing nothing but reckless spending, so why do you work hard and save?

The above serves as a wakeup call / satire / joke and nothing more. It is written by a 'winner' who actually is a ‘loser’.

Afterthoughts

·         This blog receives a lot of good responses but a few personal attacks like ‘why don’t you go back to China’. If we do not know our problems, we cannot fix them. Again, all the problems are minor and can be easily fixed.  I hope I’ll re-write the above and this time in past tense. Actually I did use past tense on insiders’ trading by our Congressmen.

·         I have enough material to write a similar article on China. However, Chinese government is less open than the U.S.

·         Martin whom I do not know said: Thanks for this one! I had fun reading this. I would be glad to share this to others!! This is a blog that should be read over and over again!!

·         Click here for more Afterthoughts.