Section V Jokes
Please recycle all the jokes (no
copyrights on my jokes) as many times as possible to bring more laughter to our
world. Many are so simple that I do not believe they could be original.
However, when I told them the first time and no one seemed to hear them before.
The
anatomy of a jokeAssuming you’re older than 11, you only laugh at something that is unusual like:
- Ridiculously exaggerated,
- Body (female and male) parts we (at least most of us) do not discuss / show normally, and
- Words with double meaning.
About 30% of the jokes are about sex. If you do
not believe me, turn on the cable TV tonight, count and classify the jokes.
If your age is less than 11, please get off
from your parent’s PC, Kindle…and go back to your homework. If you’re offended
by my joke, quickly check into the humor department of your closest clinic. A
good laugh should make you healthy at least for the hour and no one really dies
of laughing too hard.
My jokes have offended women, politicians,
Jews, fatsos…
Some jokes are original, semi original and not written from
me. Some may have included in this book already.
Click here or the
following link for more jokes.
52 Life according to A+ B
Man with
money + Man with
power =
Corruption
Man with money + Woman with good look = Perfect Match
Man with no money + Woman with good look = Divorce
Man with no money + Woman with avg. look = Endless Love
Man with big belly + Woman with same = Mission Impossible
(in making a baby)
Man with money + Woman with good look = Perfect Match
Man with no money + Woman with good look = Divorce
Man with no money + Woman with avg. look = Endless Love
Man with big belly + Woman with same = Mission Impossible
(in making a baby)
Gun + Nut = Random
Shooting
Israel + Neighbors = Endless Wars
Israel + USA = WW3
China + USA = Fighting spouse
One Loser + One Loser = Two Losers
(merger of two failing companies)
Youth + Stupidity = One page of our life
Old Age + Intelligence = One chapter of our life
Queen + Waving hand = Parasite
Smart + Hard Work + Luck = Success
Success without Hard Work = Genius
Israel + Neighbors = Endless Wars
Israel + USA = WW3
China + USA = Fighting spouse
One Loser + One Loser = Two Losers
(merger of two failing companies)
Youth + Stupidity = One page of our life
Old Age + Intelligence = One chapter of our life
Queen + Waving hand = Parasite
Smart + Hard Work + Luck = Success
Success without Hard Work = Genius
Afterthoughts
53 Lies, sex and all-you-can-eat
I was awakened by my housemates that
there was a farm job with a lot of beautiful Mexican girls while attending
California State University at Fresno. I tried to look my best - silly me.
It was about picking oranges and there were some ladies with their primes passed long, long time ago. The crate was higher than I. After spending one tough, sweating morning, we filled up one crate and each of us got about a dollar which we spent in a Swedish eat-all-you-can joint. We piled up the bones of a thousand of chicken wings and we became a soda machine ourselves (due to drinking too much).
Now I am really sorry for the restaurant owner and to the thousands of chicken without the wings. That is my first and last job as a laborer and the laborers gain my instant respect particularly the Mexican workers, legal or illegal. I never have wasted a dollar since that day.
It is all about lies, beautiful girls in our dreams, hard farm work, tough business to run a restaurant and the value for money. At least I have a good story to tell to my grandchildren and of course with the beautiful young ladies instead of the old ladies to make my story more interesting.
It was about picking oranges and there were some ladies with their primes passed long, long time ago. The crate was higher than I. After spending one tough, sweating morning, we filled up one crate and each of us got about a dollar which we spent in a Swedish eat-all-you-can joint. We piled up the bones of a thousand of chicken wings and we became a soda machine ourselves (due to drinking too much).
Now I am really sorry for the restaurant owner and to the thousands of chicken without the wings. That is my first and last job as a laborer and the laborers gain my instant respect particularly the Mexican workers, legal or illegal. I never have wasted a dollar since that day.
It is all about lies, beautiful girls in our dreams, hard farm work, tough business to run a restaurant and the value for money. At least I have a good story to tell to my grandchildren and of course with the beautiful young ladies instead of the old ladies to make my story more interesting.
54 Women
According to my world (male, biased and stupid), all women
are divided into “beautiful” and “not beautiful”.
The “not beautiful” are sub divided into “smart”, “educated”, “tall”, “thin”, “cute”,
“young”, “rich”, “sociable”, “clean” or a combination of the above.
There is no need to sub divide “beautiful” women – most of
us really do not care whether you're smart, rich, young...
Sorry to offend half (or one quarter depending whether you like
flattering) of the world population in one sentence.
Next time when someone calls you "cute" and you
happen to be a lady, be careful what he really means. J
Politicians and prostitutes
No matter whether it is East or West, prostitutes are more
trustworthy than politicians.
·
Prostitutes provide a basic human service (after
food and shelter), especially in Chinese society where there is a big gender
imbalance. Politicians do not.
·
The entertainment value has no match.
Politicians do not.
·
Both lie and tell you what you want to hear.
Prostitutes sooth your body and inflate your ego, while you feel empty and
robbed by politicians.
·
Prostitutes work hard for your money, while
politicians cheat hard for your money.
·
Both work for cash only and usually under the
table.
·
Viagra is a wonderful product that opens up new
market on older clients to prostitutes. It makes them fully employed, a deed
that our politicians fail to accomplish.
Important Notice. The above is from my observation, and not
from my personal experience J
No nativity scene
I got an email from my potential congressman as follows:
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States’ Capital this Christmas Season. This isn’t for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capital. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
My reply:
I beg to differ. All the congressmen including yourself are wise men if you compare your bank accounts before your term and after.
You can find a lot of virgins but you've to lower your age requirement or change the definition of a virgin. For definition, borrow the example from Clinton's no smoking policy: As long as you do not exhale, you're a non-smoker. Change the word 'exhale' with many words I can think of but they are not too polite to write them down here.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States’ Capital this Christmas Season. This isn’t for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation’s Capital. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
My reply:
I beg to differ. All the congressmen including yourself are wise men if you compare your bank accounts before your term and after.
You can find a lot of virgins but you've to lower your age requirement or change the definition of a virgin. For definition, borrow the example from Clinton's no smoking policy: As long as you do not exhale, you're a non-smoker. Change the word 'exhale' with many words I can think of but they are not too polite to write them down here.
It appears to be a fact that there are more mouths kissing asses than asses available to be kissed. Hence, we really have a shortage of good asses.
55 Native Americans are Chinese
I was amused by the following satire. A white guy pointed at
a Mexican family and said, "It's time to reclaim America from illegal
immigrants!” The native Indian by his other side told him, "I'll help you
pack."
My addition to this joke:
My addition to this joke:
The Chinese can stay. They have the same genes as the native
Indians and Eskimos who must lose their way after too many Mai Tai and walked
to America via the once-frozen Barring Strait. I have my genes to prove it.
An article from Time Magazine showed that a Chinese professor could read words inscribed on an artifact from a South American country. He said he was interested only in ancient Chinese language to avoid an international incident. Politically correct or scientifically ignorant?
When folks make fun of my poor writing, I would say that my English is better than his/her Chinese.
An article from Time Magazine showed that a Chinese professor could read words inscribed on an artifact from a South American country. He said he was interested only in ancient Chinese language to avoid an international incident. Politically correct or scientifically ignorant?
When folks make fun of my poor writing, I would say that my English is better than his/her Chinese.
Who make English the most popular language? Not the U.S.,
Brits, but the Chinese and Indians.
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
* How 'America' got the name.
The following joke was told to me on my Yangtze
cruise by my fellow traveler Calvin. The guy has a talent of telling jokes. I
was so naive that I believed it was not a joke at the time.The Chinese cook in Columbus’s ship saw America for the first time and said in Taishanese (a Chinese dialect), “Ah Mud Li Ka (roughly translated as “what is this?”) and that’s why it is called America - of course it is not true but the joke is quite funny to me.
The
following joke was passed to me. When the English captain Henry Hudson was
exploring the area around what would become New York for the first time, the
fog had rolled in and his Dutch first mate was peering through it. He made out
a shape in the distance and asked the captain in broken English, “Is dat an’
island?” Hudson thought he said “Staten Island” and so the name stuck
* From the TV show Fresh Off Boat, Santa Clause
is Chinese as most of the toys are made in China.
*
I excuse many old folks making racial remarks
on Chinese. Many belong to the biased group and in their days when they could
still see and were sober, they saw all Chinese had pigtails and worked in the
railroad. These laborers connected the railroad between the east and the west
for the U.S. and Canada. They were imported or Shanghaied when China was
bankrupt after the Opium Wars. These old folks have to bring his bias to their
graves and I do not want to waste my breath to educate them. They may have
passed their biases knowingly or unknowingly to the current generation.
I have my share of discrimination. The ones who
discriminate me are usually not educated and/or old. I hate Asian comedians making racial jokes on Asians, same for blacks doing same to their own people. It is not OK as discrimination is not funny.
56 My stupid name is Boris
Hi, my name is Boris
I’m the mayor of London. If I look familiar to
you, it is because I was in the closing ceremony in the Beijing Olympic. I have
a confession.
I had two dozen bottles of the great Chinese
beer and our famous opium before the ceremony (luckily they did not test me for
drugs). That’s why I looked like a happy child and the flag was too heavy to
wave when it was passed to me.
I did not button my jacket, as it was too hot
for my big belly. By the way, I picked up the jacket from the flea market. It is
a little big, but the price was right.
If you found any grammatical mistake in this
confession, it is because I just barely passed high school.
If you asked me why I am the mayor of London,
you have to ask why my brother-in-law, a janitor in London, was the governor of
Hong Kong.
How many Britons can make all Britons look ugly
and stupid in eight minutes? I’m the only one and for that I should get a gold
medal.
------------------------------------------------
Afterthoughts
I wrote it after watching the closing ceremony of the Beijing
Olympics. It is a satire but it is not too far away from the ‘truth’. We did
have street sweepers from London holding jobs as high officials in Hong Kong -
my late father could name names. Actually it was an upgrade as the English
government sent high crime prisoners as early settlers to Australia. Several
folks from the EU were very upset at this satire. Be the judge for yourself. I
believe a Brit, a Hong Kongese and a Chinese from Mainland have very different
views.
We should
not judge a book by the cover. I’m guilty as charged.
57 Celebration of Olympic Bronze from BJ Olympics
Note. This must be written at least four years ago, the time
I started blogging. After I made several comments, I found that I had enough
material for a satire. It is outdated by now, but the joke is still there.
What happened?
How can we lose gold count to China, a third world country?
Let’s have a national holiday of mourning. No one objects I bet!
Let’s have a national contest of the best excuse of winning so few gold medals.
What to do?
Borrow more money from China to buy foreign coaches.
No Speedo to Australia and China.
My secret weapon is to import the eight Jamaican runners. Money talks!
Bribe the judges (a little harder as everyone hates us but money talks again).
Change all the rules to our favor: 5 medals for basketball, 1 for table tennis, 0 for diving…
All tiebreakers must be decided by our sponsors who own the Olympics.
The Chinese must have put slippery jell or wonder glue on our batons and/or the gym apparatus.
Develop a drug that can take out all dope traces from our body.
“One country, all medals” is our new Olympics slogan.
The more wishfully we think, the closer we succeed.
How to heal now, really?
To begin with, write to Dear Abby for starter.
Bronze is the same as gold if not better.
If you do not believe me, ask any blind athlete here.
It is harder to get a bronze as we have to LET two others to win.
We’ll train our athletes for the bronze from now on.
NBC should interview bronze winners only as they are the real winners.
Actually we’ll be happier to be #3 and build a better relationship with other nations.
Stop laughing. It is a fact!!!
Phelps, we love you more with 8 bronze medals - it is no easy job to let 2 and ONLY 2 pass you 8 times.
If everything does not work, turn ugly.
Ask McDonald’s and KFC to give away their “food” (better than opium) to China FREE, so their next generation will be so fat that they cannot walk to the subway station.
Send soldiers to grab the medals, especially the gold. Hey, we have the best offense.
Will the world be better if we only fought for gold medals only (bronze medals in our case)?
What an Olympic spirit to celebrate the winning of the bronze!
58 Lady missing a flight
To enjoy the best 3 minutes of your day, click the video here or http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=xbVw7entkxg.
You will not totally enjoy this if you do not understand Cantonese, but it is so funny that I almost died.
What do you do when you miss a flight? I hope you're not the lady here.
She won the American Funniest Video without even showing up.
What do you do if your wife is like that?
For Chinese banquets at 7 pm, no food is usually served before 9 pm. This one teaches Chinese a lesson on punctuality.
She missed the flight due to her bargaining at the duty-free shop.
She was driven crazy as she just missed her appointment with a nail/hair salon in San Francisco.
She is the center of the universe, just like my daughter.
She told her 'stupid' husband that he should have put his stupid foot inside the door at the gate while waiting for her.
She will give a demo in Dance with Stars - how to take out all the frustration in life in just 3 minutes. J
That's nothing compared to what she did while debating in Taiwan's congress.
If this drama queen were a U.S. citizen (where carrying gun is legal), we would be in big trouble.
She is invited to all talk shows at $5000 each plus expenses. What a smart lady for 3 minutes of work?
It just made more than 5 million folks around the world laugh and forget our bad recession for 3 minutes. For that, I would give her an Oscar and even a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you do anything crazy, relax and watch this video. You cannot top this one.
It seems all Orientals carry a video camera, so watch out your behavior in public especially in Asia.
I must have too much time in my hands or it was raining hard
outside.
Afterthoughts
My
good friend Joe gave the following explanation:
Most of us were born before or right after WWII. Hong Kong was at its lowest point population during WWII. Most of the current Hong Kong residents are either refugee to HK or kids of those refugees.
HK progresses very fast. May be humanity can't catch up with this economic miracle.
59 My rules in playing lottery
Unless you bought your ticket in Rhode Island in the last
big one, you did not win the $320 million lottery by now. Our family and
in-laws chipped in to buy tickets. We missed 5 or 6 numbers in each ticket.
Here are my rules from our mistakes.
1. You cannot play under age 30. Otherwise life will be no meaning if you win.
2. It provides a good measure of relationship especially on Valentine Day: You ask your boyfriend or girlfriend whether s/he would terminate the relationship when s/he wins.
3. Enjoy the spirit-lifting anticipation before the drawing, so the earlier you buy the ticket, the longer you feel better. That could add a month to your life.
4. When there is a big jackpot and the winning chance is not mathematically impossible, go to the lottery office and tell them you want to buy all the possible combinations without entering them into the machine.
5. Calculate the expected value = jackpot * probability + 2nd price * probability+..., and compare it to the present value of 20 installments based on 3% return and 50% tax rate (check current rates on Federal and State). If my memory is still good, $150M for the jackpot of this Power Ball game is a fair value to us. I used doing so when I worked (practicing the art of using other people's time).
6. #4 and #5 have one minor problem. If there is more than one winner, you may lose. In this case, you have to leave town fast.
7. I’ll tell you the only way that guarantees the win. Ask me nicely to borrow my time machine to go several days forward to get the winning numbers and come back to the present and select those winning numbers. You need to believe in time machine and be able to dream.
1. You cannot play under age 30. Otherwise life will be no meaning if you win.
2. It provides a good measure of relationship especially on Valentine Day: You ask your boyfriend or girlfriend whether s/he would terminate the relationship when s/he wins.
3. Enjoy the spirit-lifting anticipation before the drawing, so the earlier you buy the ticket, the longer you feel better. That could add a month to your life.
4. When there is a big jackpot and the winning chance is not mathematically impossible, go to the lottery office and tell them you want to buy all the possible combinations without entering them into the machine.
5. Calculate the expected value = jackpot * probability + 2nd price * probability+..., and compare it to the present value of 20 installments based on 3% return and 50% tax rate (check current rates on Federal and State). If my memory is still good, $150M for the jackpot of this Power Ball game is a fair value to us. I used doing so when I worked (practicing the art of using other people's time).
6. #4 and #5 have one minor problem. If there is more than one winner, you may lose. In this case, you have to leave town fast.
7. I’ll tell you the only way that guarantees the win. Ask me nicely to borrow my time machine to go several days forward to get the winning numbers and come back to the present and select those winning numbers. You need to believe in time machine and be able to dream.
60 Metric system, Chinese conventions and misc.
Metric System
It is mainly due to the love of
our football game which uses yards. 0.9 meter does not sound right, right? At one time, when two identical missiles were
fired between here and Russia, the Russian missile would arrive here earlier due
to no extra calculation to convert to metric values.
I was surprised no one told me s/he
had heard this joke before. It cannot be original. The following are not jokes.
Billion defined by Chinese
China’s population is 1.3 billion
in US but 13 billion in Chinese. Our system is better as the million is 000
after the thousand, the billion is ‘000’ after the million, and so on. The
Chinese have a word for ten thousands and that’s why it makes sense for them.
Peculiars on Chinese language
Chinese use the Last Name first
and then the First Name. It makes sense in sorting. To illustrate for Cheng
Mei, Cheng is the last name.
Korea and Japan’s ancient
language were Chinese. In the old temples in Korea, you can see the same
traditional Chinese characters. I can read more than 25% of Japanese texts.
Both modified their original languages that are pretty identical to Chinese. It
would be easy for folks in Far East to communicate if they have not changed
their ancient languages. Chinese language has also been ‘simplified’, most
likely for the ease of entering them into the computer. We lose a lot of the
charms and logics of the language. Are we getting lazier or more efficient?
The first Emperor
of China in the Qin Dynasty unified the Chinese written language about 2,200
years ago. He did not unify the oral language as there are too many different
dialects and they did not have the internet back then. Surprisingly, we can
read many ancient texts. Many texts need some explanation as many places have
changed names, and some have been changed more than one time. In addition, the
ancient systems are quite different from today’s.
Chinese ensure English is the
most popular language as it is the most popular foreign language in schools.
English is the business language and entertainment language via movies and
music. Today we have more U.S. citizens learning Chinese.
CCTV News broadcasts
in English on Chinese perspective. I find it more entertaining and fun than
propaganda. It is strange at first to see so many Chinese speaking in perfect
English. Imagine you have a CNN exclusively on American news, culture, tourism…
with all the broadcasters speaking in perfect Mandarin.
There is a specific Chinese apps (may
not be available now) for the iPad that broadcasts many Chinese TV shows and
documentaries free. I particularly enjoy the documentaries. It is one of the
several apps I use in my iPad.
You have a choice to enter in
Chinese in Wikipedia to display text in Chinese. The English text on Chinese
topics sometimes loses meaning in translation. I use iPad’s foreign keyboard
option to enter Chinese characters for searching topic.
Chinese history
I used to hate learning Chinese
history in high school. It is too long and boring. However, it could
be the most fascinating part of our culture inheritance. More than 2,000 years
ago, China had an official post whose sole duty was recording daily events in
the court. The graving on bamboos and
similar materials chased back to more than 2,000 years ago.
China declared most traditional
foreign invaders as part of the minorities. Conveniently the Qing Dynasty
(founded by Manchurians) and the Yuan (founded by Mongolians) are the results
of civil wars overnight. The governance by emperors became governance by people
after the revolution – this sounds more meaningful and elegant in Chinese.
My high school history stopped
teaching just prior to the Opium Wars due to
political reasons in Hong Kong. Recent history is more important to our life.
You can find several chapters and links to these topics in this book.
Links
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Qin_Emperor
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CCTV_News
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_history
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opium_Wars
61 The diets that always work
If you’re fat, skip this one as it is unbearably offensive. J
I know one diet that really works and I'm importing it from
China. Millions of thin Chinese are the best living proof. It is the tape worm
therapy. You inject big-mouth tape worms under a control environment into your
body. You need to sign a no-sue contract but the life insurance (trust me it
will come in handy) is included free. They will eat up all the nutrients in
your body.
The other therapy that also works is sending you to a remote location in Africa where you cannot find a TV and processed food like chips and beer. You have to perform a daily exercise by running from wild animals that could eat you alive if they catch up with you. This is the ONLY motivating exercise that works.
In either therapy, your obesity problem will be fixed. Even if the therapy fails and you die, your obesity is still fixed GUARANTEED or your money back. Well, by then money will not be useful to you. J
If you try it and it works, please share your experience and be my spokesman / woman in my new venture.
The other therapy that also works is sending you to a remote location in Africa where you cannot find a TV and processed food like chips and beer. You have to perform a daily exercise by running from wild animals that could eat you alive if they catch up with you. This is the ONLY motivating exercise that works.
In either therapy, your obesity problem will be fixed. Even if the therapy fails and you die, your obesity is still fixed GUARANTEED or your money back. Well, by then money will not be useful to you. J
If you try it and it works, please share your experience and be my spokesman / woman in my new venture.
62 How to save the airline industry PG 17
Bill just forwarded his idea of saving the airline industry. The picture of a sexy stewardess is included now so I need to make this blog PG17 or PG21 for Chinese. This part is not written by me.HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with
good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don’t even serve food anymore, so
what’s the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol
sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every
businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked
women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants
wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving the airline industry even more money. I
suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the
plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and
’special services.’
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes
for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and
the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we
handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton
Hi Bill, We have started this service in our ‘Virgin’ Airline. Our logo is ‘Everyone can ride on a virgin’, or ’all our stewardesses are (at least were one time) virgins’. There is a section for children and one section for ladies (unless she is a lesbian). The demonstration of sucking oxygen is breath-taking and everyone pays attention. I stop dreaming what they do for first class service… J
We also offer job opportunities for your former
‘assistants’. Lewinski and her look-alike will bring a lot of expertise to our
airline. We can double the profits by having a section for ladies and gays.
Your bright ideas always work. We respect your ‘Just
Do it’ spirit. How many can change the definitions of ’sex’ and ‘intern’
overnight? Keep it up, Tony
# Filler
*** iPhone & drones ***
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